Tonight I'm thinking about what is important, and what I want to walk away with at the end of my life, or at the end of every day for that matter. My greatest source of guilt at this point in my career of existence is the amount of time I spend with my kids.
It's Saturday, the first day off after five nearly-10-hour days at work. I got out of bed around 8:30 am... a late start for me. Over the course of the day I spent 3 hours working for my second job, about an hour doing various household tasks and another hour or so keeping my kids engaged in household tasks and/or homework. That accounts for 5 of the waking hours. We went to visit a relative in the hospital who was ill... that was an hour. I was with my kids during that time, so I guess that counts for something. I made them lunch but ate mine in my room because I didn't care to hear Phineas and Ferb during my first authentic leisure period of my day.
My kids alternated between playing down the street with friends or in our own front yard, video games and 3DS's, iPad Touch Zoo, iPhone Chess and reruns of Looney Toons. Where did the day go? And where was I?
I took my daughter with me to get the car washed. I played chess with my oldest son. I sat by the crackling chiminea with my middle child while he fell asleep after cornbread and a chocolate bar (that's another story). It just never seems like it's enough. With the kids, I mean.
It could be blamed on my busyness... two jobs. Well, two-and-a-half jobs, really, if you count that my main job takes much more energy than I have budgeted for it. Then there's the house, meals, laundry, yada yada. (Oh yeah, I spent about an hour weeding the back yard and the herb garden). But what breaks my heart is that I really am not very playful, so when I do have time, I don't default to doing fun things with my kids. I'm good at telling them what to do, taking them with me on errands, or going out to eat. But the whole quality time thing seems to require so much more energy that I ever have at hand.
I do my best to communicate my love for them, but all too often I have to redirect or correct them and sometimes it seems that is the vast majority of my interaction with them. So what's a mom to do?
Sometimes I think maybe they don't notice, maybe they don't necessarily have expectations and they just think their family life is what it is. Sometimes I wonder if they'll want anything to do with me when they turn 12 or 13, if I don't lay some kind of foundation of 'the party's here' for them to come running home to. Sometimes I think it's too much to expect parents to be life trainers and entertainers all at the same time.
So I sit here at the end of a day like today and think, "Did I let my kids know that I love them?" I'm not as irritable as I used to be. I gently explain and guide them more than I yell out exasperated commands... a vast improvement from my parenting style a few years ago. And bless their hearts, my kids are really resilient. They don't seem half as rattled by my behavior as I am. And at the end of the day, they give me a kiss and put their heads on their pillows and fall asleep.
I can only keep trying to be the best mom I am capable of being, communicate my love and value for them in every way I can, and start each day with the objective of showing them the ropes in this crazy little thing called life. I'm not completely satisfied with my performance, but in recognizing my own imperfections, I find myself willing to make more allowances for theirs, reducing the pressure on all of us. It sucks that when you've finally had time to figure out this parenting thing, your kids are grown and you're moving on to a new chapter in life.
I choose to savor these moments, these precious days, imperfect as I am fumbling through them, and treasure my kids. Maybe if that's my mindset, through the busyness and the two-and-a-half jobs and the housework and the homework... some of my value for them will come through, and they'll grow up knowing that their mom really does--really truly with a tower of whip cream and a cherry on top--love them more than anything or anyone or any whatever else. For always.
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